Chapter One

“We’re going to spend a week at a dude ranch!” I announced to the troop. I waited for the ear-splitting screams that usually accompanied anything to do with horses.

Which was why I was completely shocked when it didn’t. Instead, I was greeted with eight blank faces.

“When?” Ava asked. “I have an election coming up in a couple of months. I don’t know if I can spare the time.”

“Huh? Are you kidding?” I asked. I looked at my co-leader for support, but she appeared to be just as stunned as I was. “Are we being pranked right now?”

“My mayoral election is important,” Ava repeated in a tone that appeared to accuse me of being an idiot. “Current polling shows me winning in a landslide, but that’s just not good enough.”
Ava was the youngest serving mayor in all of Iowa, winning her first election when she was eleven. She was now fourteen, and her opponent was Jimmy Morrison, who, at age forty-six, dressed and acted like Jim Morrison—the singer from the 1960s. His campaign signs referred to him as the Lizard Mayor and promised to make Who’s There exactly like it was in 1965 by bringing back black and white televisions.

He really didn’t stand a chance, and most of that was because he was running against Ava’s political machine of Betty and Inez, who made Tammany Hall look like it was run by preschoolers. In campaign literature, they were referring to him as the Lizard Loser, with a photo of downtown Who’s There in the 60s—in black and white and drab—next to a full-color photo of it now, full of huge floral baskets, storefronts full of businesses, and a few pretty cats and dogs, just to make it adorable.

During her reign…I mean, mayoral administration, Ava had brought many businesses to town, including the very popular Museum of Murder. Who’s There was experiencing a full-blown renaissance. She’d launched a beautification project that was starting to get attention from regional magazines, and she’d recently created a podcast where citizens could talk about their ideas. It should be noted that complaints were few because Betty was the producer and had the Kaitlyns manning the call bank to edit out any negative feedback.

“It’s for less than a week,” I insisted. “And it’s mostly free!”
That got their attention.

“How is that possible?” Inez wanted to know. “Dude ranches are expensive.”

“I really don’t like the name dude,” Betty grumbled as she folded the permission slip into what looked like a very dangerous knife.
“What about dudette?” Lauren asked.

“Not better.” Betty flicked the paper knife, and it embedded itself in the wall.

Here was my moment to shine. “An old friend from college opened a…um, horse ranch, hoping it would cater especially to scouting groups. She’d like to launch it with our troop and use the photos she takes to promote it nationwide.”

Betty narrowed her eyes. “It sounds like she’s offering it to Boy Scouts.” Betty loathed Boy Scouts. They were at the top of her list, merely for existing.

“I’m sure that’s something we can talk about with Jodie,” I said, hoping it was. “Anyway, for the trial run, she’s invited us to visit, do a couple of days trail ride, and give her staff a real troop to work with. What do you say?

I’d expected excitement. I’d expected squealing. My girls loved riding horses, and we went to our local camp often just to do so. Now they were middle schoolers who were very competent.

The girls looked at each other and then got into a huddle at the other end of the room.

Kelly and I exchanged glances. This wasn’t exactly how we’d thought it would go.

My name is Merry Wrath Ferguson, and I used to be a CIA field agent. I say used to, because after seven years, I was “accidentally outed” by the vice president, who had a grudge against my senator father, Mike Czrygy. After escaping Chechnya once my face appeared on CNN (the Chechens I was undercover with were obsessed with Wolf Blitzer), I received a nice settlement for wrongful termination, changed my name to Merry Wrath (my middle name and mother’s maiden name), and moved back home to Who’s There, Iowa, to pout.

My best friend since we were kids, Kelly Albers, convinced me we needed to start a Girl Scout troop, and we’d been with these girls ever since kindergarten.

In addition to Ava, whose lifelong dream was to be the youngest CEO of an insurance company, we had Inez (the world’s smartest and most efficient middle schooler), Lauren (junior zookeeper who could talk to most animals), the four Kaitlyns (who looked exactly alike, all had mothers named Ashley, and operated on a sort of hive mind), and Betty.

Betty was a lethal version of Pippi Longstocking, an Eloise at the Plaza who ran black ops, or a maniacal, teenage version of Huey Long. She was also smart, creative, and a loyal girl who would destroy anyone who tried to mess with her friends.

This was our troop. It was awesome. And terrifying. Which one depended on the day.

“We’ll do it,” Ava announced. “When do we go?”

Kelly spoke up. “School starts in two weeks, so next week. We have to leave Monday morning.”

Inez whipped out an iPad and began running her fingers over the surface.

It wasn’t a lot of time, and there was A LOT to do. We had to book flights, send out permission slips, packing lists, etcetera.

“Flights are booked,” Inez said. “I’m emailing permission slips to all the parents.” She gave us a look I couldn’t quite interpret. “I’ve sent them to both parents for every girl, just to make sure they get done. What’s the name of the ranch?”

Oh! I knew this one. “Demon’s Point Dude Ranch! It’s in Demon’s Point, Colorado.”

Betty gave a small smile, which was usually terrifying because she never did that. “I approve. Except for Dude. I’m going to work on a new word for that.”

I made a mental note to tell Jodie that this might be a bone of contention. But hey! We were going!

“I’ve downloaded the packing list,” Inez reported, “and sent it to all of you. We’re going to need cowboy boots and only have a few days to get them. I suggest a trip to Des Moines tomorrow. They have a Western wear shop there.”

“Colorado has a lot of animals we don’t have here,” Lauren said. “Bighorn sheep, elk, mountain goats, bears, and mountain lions. I’ll do my research on them, but I do know a few things. For example, bighorn sheep are expert mountaineers, most of them are left-handed, and they love Parcheesi.”

While Lauren was smart and knew a lot about animals, her knowledge sometimes was questionable. “And mountain goats can leap crazy distances and are very competitive at darts. I’ll see what else I can find and make up info sheets.”

I was starting to feel a little redundant. At least I set up the trip with Jodie. And I was looking forward to it. I hadn’t been to Colorado in a very long time. I was a mountain girl. I loved the beach, but if I had to choose between the two, the mountains would win every time.

I texted Jodie the good news and heard back immediately.

“Um, guys? Jodie would prefer if we brought twelve people instead of ten.”

“We should pull Hilly off her assignments,” Betty insisted. Hilly was a CIA assassin, who wasn’t an assassin because assassination was illegal, but she totally was. She’d probably drop whatever she was doing for a chance to wrestle a grizzly bear.

“What about Soo Jin?” Inez asked, referring to our medical examiner, Dr. Body.
Kelly shook her head. “Soo Jin’s wedding is getting closer, and she just told me she’s swamped.”

I agreed. “And we can’t pull Hilly out of any assignments without her losing her job.” An idea occurred to me. “We could add two girls to the troop. What about the girls from the Miss Butterpig Pageant or the Future Espionage Agents of America?”

I was referring to a recent pageant Who’s There hosted for middle school girls, and the FEAA—a club Betty had just started.

Betty nodded. “I think Ardith is free. I’ll text her.”

“How about Draconia?” Inez suggested. “She and I have been hanging out. I’m thinking of recruiting her for the city administration.” Draconia, or Pansy (which was her legal name), was the resident goth girl.

Kelly approved of this idea, probably because Hilly wasn’t going. “Can you find out?”

Inez nodded and tapped on her tablet.

“Ardith is in,” Betty replied. “We should deputize her.”

“So is Draconia,” Inez said. “She does have one request—that we make sure she gets a black horse with a goth name. She also loves the name of the ranch. I’m sending both girls the permission slips and packing list now.”

“And we can deputize them as honorary scouts,” Betty said again

I looked at Kelly. “I don’t know if there’s a way to do that. But it isn’t important because Jodie didn’t make it a requirement.”

Ava scowled. “We have to make it official. There are rules for things like this.”
“No,” I said, shaking my head. “There aren’t, because this isn’t an official scout event. I’m more than happy to have them sign up for Girl Scouts, but we really don’t need to deputize them or anything before we go.”

“I’m on it,” Inez announced, fingers flying over her tablet.

Kelly leaned toward me and in a low voice asked, “Can we deputize them? What would that entail?”

I thought about it for a moment. “You know, it’s not a bad idea for them to join before we go. Then they’re on the Girl Scout insurance.”

“I hadn’t thought of that,” Kelly said. “We could file the paperwork with the Council to make this an official troop event, right? So that it’s on their radar, should anything happen?”

“Already done,” Inez announced. “Ardith and Draconia have agreed to join the troop, albeit temporarily. Sending them the forms to fill out now.” She looked up and cocked her head to one side. “I’ll file them with the Council and request an immediate response so that they’re in the system before we go.” She looked at Betty. “Or Betty can hack them in.”

“Done,” Betty agreed.

This was great! Two new girls, a great trip, and all the paperwork had been done! We were going to Colorado for a relaxing week of horseback riding.
What could possibly go wrong?